I need help.
But here’s the problem. The sort of help I need is not the sort of help people feel they can or are willing to give me.
When people are told to ask for help then usually it’s in reference to seeing a therapist and working through their problems. For me I can’t afford a therapist (and the NHS therapy sucks) and so I’ve been working through my problems for the last sixteen months on this blog. I’ve got a pretty good sense of who I am at the moment but I’ve reached that step of my journey where something has to be done about it. This is where I need the help.
Riyadh Khalaf recently mentioned how he’s going to interview the cast of Love Simon. This sent me into a huge spiral of depression because I know he’s got where he is today because of opportunities that other people have given him. His big rise to success came when a video on his YouTube channel went viral and sort of gave him access to all of these other opportunities and connections. Now I have no ill feelings towards the guy (other than the jealousy and envy that I can’t control) but his success has been dependent on other people (much like a lot of people’s success is). His YouTube channel wouldn’t be anywhere without people viewing it, sharing it, liking it and what-not. Just like he wouldn’t be able to get a job unless a company was willing to give him the opportunity.
So this is where the problem lies. A lot of people have various reasons for not helping; either they feel they can’t do anything, they feel I’m attention seeking, they feel other people are more in need or they’re too busy.
I was unemployed for three years, during which time I really wanted to get into entertainment journalism (which is why Riyadh interviewing the cast really hurts me quite badly because it’s an ideal scenario for me) but nobody would give me an opportunity. I couldn’t even get work experience (me working for free) with these people because they just wouldn’t give me the chance. Then I was turned down for work because I didn’t have the experience that the companies wouldn’t give me.
And so this is why I struggle with other people’s success. Even when I admit that my mental health decline is massively in part due to my current living situation and career prospects (living at home and working a dead end job in retail is not what I like), and yet I’ve not met anybody nice enough to offer out an olive branch and say “here, here’s your boost onto the ladder, see where you can go with that”.
I tried it years ago when I asked various YouTubers for interviews and got absolutely nothing in return, not even a reply. It’s not even like I was asking them to go massively out of their way, just a Skype interview where I could post it on my YouTube channel and hopefully boost my subscriber count a little. But no, nothing was heard. I even offered to travel to them, something that would have strained my mental health, but I was prepared to do it because it was what I wanted to do.
I also once wrote to Ellen Degeneres and asked for work experience on The Ellen Show. Didn’t hear anything back from that.
I’ve tagged various celebrities in my posts in the hopes that they’d like and/or share them because that’s also a way to increase my popularity. The only thing I heard was from Shane Dawson and Yogscast Hannah who commented on my article and for a day I felt like it might have been my big break, my view count went through the roof, but then it just died.
My YouTube videos stagnate at meagre views and it depresses me to even get out a camera now because I don’t know what I’m doing so wrong that others are seeing. My ASMR is doing really badly in terms of view count compared to others and I put this down to my appearance or the benefit of a helping hand from somebody already established. Even the opportunity for somebody to mentor me and teach me more about video production and stuff, because I readily admit it’s not my forte, wouldn’t go amiss.
I didn’t get out of bed until 6pm because I didn’t know how to face the world. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I’ve reached a stage where I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t do it on my own and I’m struggling, and so every time I write, publish and/or share, it’s more of a cry for help. I am drowning in the sea and I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like I’m drowning, telling people all they need to do is throw me a lifeline, and yet everybody is too busy, doesn’t think they can do it, feels I’m just seeking attention or they think somebody else is more deserving of the lifeline.
I don’t really know how to end this without asking for help again. I thought I was being too blunt about how I needed help and maybe it was putting some people off but maybe I’m being too vague. I need work experience, I need help promoting my stuff, I need opportunities to work in an industry that I enjoy, I need mentorship and prospects. I need other people to see that I do have something to offer and give me a chance because otherwise I’m beginning to feel that I don’t have anything to offer and so what’s the point in life?