My dad said to me the other day “you wouldn’t want to be famous though, would you?” after I made a joke about what I’d do if I were famous. He outrightly believes that I would not want fame and the hassle that comes with it.
His thinking behind this is pretty sound; I’ve got depression and social/general anxiety. The social anxiety means I struggle in large groups of people and that I have trouble in social situations and so I tend to avoid them. General anxiety also gives me huge fears of simple things like finding a parking space or ordering a drink at a bar. Simple things that send my mind into a vortex and just basically have me saying “I’d rather stay home and do nothing than actually go out and do what I want.” I don’t have a lot of control over it, it’s what my mind does.
However, that’s just sort of the shell that I give off. It’s easier than admitting that perhaps I’m a little fame-obsessed. But here I shall lay out the truth for you. I have a problem with social situations, unless I am the centre of attention. If I am the centre of attention then I love the idea of all eyes being on me and the feeling it gives me. I don’t get it very often, although it is one of the reasons I love Karaoke despite not being a good singer. This is very often misunderstood though and people can very easily convince me that something “isn’t my thing” because it’s so difficult to explain this concept to somebody. My parents don’t believe I’d want to be an actor and so I don’t even entertain the notion, mainly because it’s easier to say “you’re right” when they say “you don’t want to be an actor, do you?” than it is to try and explain the workings going on inside my head.
But please don’t get me wrong. I’m not a fame-whore. I wouldn’t do ANYTHING to get famous. I want to be famous for something I’m good at, or something I enjoy doing, and currently I’m trying to establish myself for my writing (check some of it out over on The Creative Write Blog), but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sell out and compromise all my morals just to be well-known. Do I want more Twitter followers? Yeah. More views on YouTube videos? Yeah. More comments on my Tweets? Yeah. But would I do something debased and debauched just in the hopes of becoming viral and being an overnight sensation? No. This is the difference between fame-hungry (the desire to succeed to fame) and fame-whore (the desire for fame no matter who or what it costs).
But I do want to be famous/well-known. I’ve written before in a blog titled Chasing The Likes that my self-esteem is routed in how other people perceive me and so having a large following wouldn’t affect me negatively. I want to be one of those people who is invited to poetry readings rather than having to trudge through thousands of webpages to find an open mic night that is within distance and at a time when I’m not working. I want to be one of those people that people WANT to talk to.
And something that is grinding my gears recently is people who question the fame and celebrity they receive, even though they go out of their way to gain it. Shane Dawson spends $1000 on a pizza and has over 10 Million subscribers, yet he complains that Hollywood looks down on him and other YouTubers. Yogscast Hannah, who plays games for a living, frequently utters the phrase “What am I doing with my life?” Just a figure of speech but difficult to stomach when, as a viewer, you actually wonder if anybody cares you’re alive and whether life is worth living.
(I hope nobody takes this personally because it isn’t their fault. It’s my mindset that warps this perception of seemingly innocent statements into something a lot more sinister and evil. Also I’m a huge fan of both Shane Dawson and Yogscast Hannah and would hate to do anything to have them think otherwise).